Part of my life experience as an SRA survivor:

I am a 66-year-old satanic ritual abuse survivor - SRA from New Zealand.

I have healed enough to speak about SRA with love, compassion and forgiveness.

I am a holistic health carer offering information and conversations on lifestyle, diet,
musculature, causes of disease, guidance, inspiration for your peace, safety and freedom
with respect for your holistic health according to the philosophy of the five elements in
nature: Fire, Earth, Metal, Water and Wood.

My memories of SRA started surfacing about 30-31 years old. Memories for me were
triggered by being exhausted, due to unsafe emotions expressed in my relationship with my
partner.

It was not the intention of myself or my partner to communicate unsafely with each other,
after all this was a learned way of communication in our society at this time. We were both
very frustrated despite loving each other dearly. After I sought relationship counseling and
started with a safe counselor who knew about safe communication, I learnt to change my
dialogue in and around my feelings and then gently appealed to and inspired my partners
light and love within himself to do the same alongside my healing journey and that has
made all the difference.

The SRA emotions began to surface after seeking counseling, probably because I was feeling
safer and more in positive control within my relationship. This was a very difficult time for
myself and my partner as this new way of communicating greatly challenged my partner’s
and friends’ emotionality from then on.

Having a loving safe quality relationship was important to me at that time in my life after
learning and knowing what it felt like as a child to be on the receiving end of extremely
unsafe, erratic emotions and bizarre, evil behaviour from multiple perpetrators.
I knew the profound difference of love and not being loved, even though I did not have the
vocabulary to identify exactly what was going on and to articulate this evil dynamic growing
up. Of course, as part of the indoctrination into the satanic cult at 2-3 years old, I was sworn
to silence and even though I tried to speak at times, scream NO and literally scream blue
murder, systematic terror tactics were the norm, programming alter egos and I was
continually physically punished and programmed if I dared not obey ’the order; the family’. It
was always ‘do or die’.

Nevertheless, despite all this, I was blessed with love early on in my life as a child from my
mother, and more importantly with my second eldest brother whom I identified with as a
kindred spirit. I considered him my best buddy, and this helped sustain me.
I knew from a very early age that these people, ‘beings’ were sheer evil and growing up
amongst these evil people and acts over time, I became indifferent to the perpetrators. I
grew to know, that no matter how much I complied, or how much I was punished for not
obeying, used and abused, tortured just for the hell of it for their gratification, for their
entertainment, as well as the classic need for power and control over children and adults,
their business dealings to keep them accustomed to their elite status based on and all about
money and assets, that they were crazily intent on performing the evil acts anyway.
They were driven, they thrived on it, mainly, sadly to say for money, power and ultimately
power over humanity. My sense of it all is that they, the humans in it were addicted. For if
they didn’t continue with it, they would have to’ feel’ the reality of what they were doing.
That it would inevitably catch up with them, stare them in the face if they stopped and were
still enough ‘to feel’ their own reality. And of course, many of them, the majority of them
were programmed and indoctrinated into it from an early age (just as I was).
You may ask, well why didn’t I become a perpetrator? I will answer that question a bit later.
I am not condoning this behaviour, but it is about answering the burning question of why?
Why do people like this do this? Throughout my healing, I feel I have answered this question
and I have laboured over this many times over many years as I have come to terms with my
own anger and pain. But I feel at peace with it now. That is not to say that I don’t still feel
angry at times, especially when I listen to another survivor’s experience(s). But this is
healthy anger, appropriate anger, but this does not mean I will act on it in a negative way. I
choose not to.

From an early age it was always blatantly clear to me that I did not want to be like them.
When you inflict pain to this degree on another in a cult setting, I surmised that there would
be an immense difficulty in wanting to own it. To ‘feel it’. So, the sadness of the jealousy,
resentment, anger and rage cycle is that it is inevitably perpetuated over and over and over
again by these cult members. And just for good measure there is a need to justify what
they’re doing……all in the name of Satan. The opposite to God.
Of course, the ‘bully syndrome’ is all about the other person not taking responsibility for
their own emotions and the need to vent it, to inflict their pain onto others, a victim.
Although, as we know now, a victim, if still living is a ‘survivor’.
Ultimately, I believe it’s all been about good versus evil. It has been about and still is a
spiritual war between the light; God and evil.
I believe that the light will prevail yet. Otherwise, why would there be survivors of SRA to
speak of evil, to let others know the degree of evil so that there may be a choice to finally
stand in the light.

Why would you not want to stand in the light instead of standing in the darkness of evil?
There was a certain time when I was about 8 years old when a lot happened to me. I believe
now, that at this time it was systematically managed to render me into a deeper level of
submission. This was after a series of horrific incidents and after I’d been taken overseas, so
it was driven home to me that I knew I had to lead them even more so into believing that I
was one of them and that I would fully obey.
However, I must have been wavering, outwardly showing that they hadn’t quite got me. So
at this one time, I was severely sexually abused multiple times and then with animals as well
to the point I was near death. This left me utterly physically broken and spiritually in despair.
In these moments of dissociating (spiritually morphing in and out of my body) I spiritually,
emotionally and physically I identified with what it must have felt like for Jesus dying on the
cross. I don’t quite know how I physically survived, although now I do know that I felt God’s
presence back then. In the healing of this particular memory, which was very physically
debilitating in the present, like just literally breathing through the pain, I felt God’s presence
again.

This is a pure example of why I survived. By God’s grace. This is why I did not become a
perpetrator. I was able to hang onto the part of me who remembered God, the love and
light, who I was and a sense of my mission, where I was going and what I was here for.
It was also because I had love in my life with my brother and many times in my childhood, I
saw the light in nature.
Throughout my healing process in the present, I have also recognised it has been because of
my spiritual evolvement, my experiences in past lives, who I was, what I had already learnt in
those past lives and essentially who I am.

After this incident though I felt a renewed utter disdain, disgust towards the cult members.
Inwardly even though I knew I had waged war on them from 2-3 years old and especially
after a prior incident which happened overseas, this latest incident sealed the deal
categorically. I got angry. However, I didn’t show it to them. I guess looking back now, I had
acting skills. But by this stage that part of me had become good at acting in front of them.
So even though at this point in time, I knew I had to submit to them, I used this determined
will and anger to survive, to keep going. For God and his message. Afterall I now knew why
Jesus had died on the cross.

My mantra has always been, “it’ll keep”. That became my inner weapon. At times I let that
anger out within the cult rituals to let them believe I was one of them. However, I knew the
difference and that anger and determination to find a way to eventually tell on them,
sustained me.

There was a hierarchy within the global network which included royalty, politicians, health
professionals, teachers, judiciary authorities, celebrities with a systematic agenda as I came
to know. World domination/control was the main goal. I also learnt they were into bio-
weaponry, selling arms, scientific phenomena and spiritual control and of course the occult.
Fear of being tortured to death had at times prevented me from speaking out publicly until
2019 after first hearing of Anneke Lucas’ testimony via collectiveevolution.com
This enabled me to then reach out to that alternative media company in Canada. This was
only after literally physically shaking for a week. After a few emails and a zoom meeting, I
then was subsequently interviewed by Richard Enos who came out from Canada to interview
me. The Epstein case involving royalty coming out globally also gave me confidence at last to
put myself out there.

And of course, for me to feel confident to speak out I needed to have made enough sense of
things, to have integrated the many dissociated parts of me which had only ever known
silence within up until then. This allowed my voice to withstand any possible negative
responses.

Being alone with it all up until then had been so…… well just an utter sense of loneliness.
Something I had felt many times growing up as I was not permitted to speak to anyone. Also
due to the secret part of me being so hidden, hidden even to my family and to the outside
world.

I have waited so long for the right time to speak. I have waited for the whole world to catch
up. In 2019 I knew intuitively that the tides were turning. And now I will not be silenced or
censored anymore.

For if we do not have conversations like this, we are simply complying….out of fear.
And why should we give our power away to anyone? Let alone to evil.
In my childhood it seemed to me that it was all just for their gross sexual gratification, the
penchant to control children and to ultimately promote their monetary fund. However, as I
and many others in the world are now aware, their agenda has had far reaching infiltration
on an epic global scale. The global ‘unawake’ have also been programmed and brain washed
throughout the last 70 years plus by governments, media, the pharmaceutical industry and
bio-weaponry.

I grew up with a well-honed ability to observe and take notes within myself and therefore I
sensed that a lot of the time, the crazy evil behaviour was also a means to self-medicate
themselves. As I said, they needed to justify what they were doing….to survive as well. They
took drugs offering them a heightened state and as most people are aware nowadays, they
also consumed ‘adrenochrome’ and this was also a means to make masses of money from
this aspect of their businesses. At times I too needed drugs to survive the horrors as well as
them. Adrenochrome was something which I just wanted no part of however, even though I
was forced into ingesting it. To this day I have not allowed myself ‘to feel’ this aspect of it. I
simply do not wish to feel it. Why would I?
As I grew up though I became indifferent to them, I became numb, almost zombie like at
times….to survive. However, despite everything I didn’t lose my inbuilt will to survive to tell
on them, some-day, some- how. My mantra of “it’ll keep” was steadfastly kept.

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Getting back to my healing which began in my 30’s, there was a strong will and incentive to
have quality of life finally and to make my relationship work. I also wanted children so that
was a big incentive to be the best I could be. I wanted love finally and I knew I would be the
most loving parent to my children. There was as I know now, a strong inner confidence that I
could achieve this, probably due to a yet unspoken, unacknowledged knowingness of
capability and survival skills, especially spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

A heads up:

I’m happy to report that in the present my husband and I now have a quality safe loving
relationship and are very happy as individuals and together. We have our own homes and
are financially independent. I work from my home and when I retire, we have the option of
living under one roof again. For now, after 37 years of living together we are still enjoying
our own space. There has been much water under the bridge so having our own space to
exercise our individual wings is kinda refreshing and something that our now ‘real’ selves has
not experienced as individuals.

The latter of having children unfortunately did not eventuate, due to multiple miscarriages
which I would think was partly due to me being coeliac (not getting enough nutrients into
my blood to maintain a pregnancy), chronic fatigue syndrome and mainly the fear of a child
being taken away from me as happened in the cult group when I was about 13 years old.
My husband and I have made peace with this aspect of our lives, and we often say….”in our
next life we’ll have children….” or as I would like to in the not-too-distant future, set up and
run a children’s home and healing sanctuary.

By the way from a clinical aspect, I have physically felt that being coeliac stems from a severe
depletion of one’s immune system, since it’s an auto-immune disorder and that is why it is a
genetic predisposition; a genetic depletion of the immune system resulting in not having the
Ig E immunoglobulin to be able to digest gluten from our diets. I know firsthand how my
small intestine has had a guts-full of trauma and I would think my mother as well, hence the
genetics being depleted. According to Chinese medicine philosophy the small intestine on a
spiritual aspect is the inner most Heart protector and it will ‘take the hits for the heart’. So,
it’s not rocket science to comprehend how this organ and one’s immune system would be so
effected.

My counsellor back then was a very kind, intelligent mature women, who also knew about
SRA and gave me time (more than the usual expected hour) to process emotions due to the
present and due to any SRA experiences, which surfaced. I went to her week in and week
out for 20 years. I became proficient at communicating, processing and integrating
emotional trauma. Unfortunately, my counsellor contracted a health issue and passed away
which was very sad indeed. I did try another couple of counsellors after this, however, I
learnt that I was emotionally healthier than they were, so I ventured forth from then on to
heal on my own.

I did have a good healthy doctor throughout this 20 year period as well. I was prescribed
anti-depressants at the start of my healing, however I got pregnant and was told to stop
these immediately but then miscarried. After this I didn’t want to take these drugs any more
mainly due to knowing how drugs suppressed emotions from my childhood, when drugs
were administered to make me compliant. My doctor supported me with not taking drugs
after that first year of healing so I’m happy to report that I did my whole healing journey
from then on without drugs.

I did go to a clinical psychologist in the early stages of healing as referred by my doctor, and
this was okay, but when he was away, I went to another locum at his practice, and he told
me I was depressed and wanted me to go on anti-depressants again. I told him, I knew what
was wrong with me and I wasn’t depressed, that I was suffering from extreme trauma, and I
was just very, very, very sad and exhausted.

I knew how much was within me by then and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I would
get through it. I knew and sensed there was an end point. Because I knew and sensed I’d got
myself out of the cult at around 15-16 years old. I came to acknowledge later in my healing
that I had duped my perpetrators into believing I was one of them. In this sense I knew I had
won. So, I knew I’d get through the healing of it. It was just a matter of time. I was so used to
just putting one foot in front of the other and going with the flow. I became an expert at this,
as my patience and stickability had already been honed as a child.

It was hard back then though throughout the healing of it, due to others not knowing or
comprehending how much had happened to me, the depth and intensity of the cult
dynamics. I only knew that. I couldn’t tell them either, especially my husband due to
protecting him and others of how horrific it was and how much I had endured. They were
having trouble enough dealing with it. It was a process and for goodness’ sake people back
then were only coming to terms with sexual abuse let alone SRA.

Throughout this healing journey, it was a parallel process to work through and contend with
the negative responses to what I was going through in the present and from the past.
Spiritually, emotionally and mentally I was determined and worked my guts out throughout
the whole healing process to become proficient at, articulating what had happened to me,
what was happening to me in the present and what I needed and deserved.
I worked very hard for my relationship and laboured for hours and hours about how to safely
articulate and communicate, ask positive questions of myself and my partner and despite it
all still withstand negative reactions to me. I hung in there and stood up for love and quality.
I learnt a lot and am glad I bothered to take the time. I persevered against all odds. But I
guess I was used to that in my childhood.

This has all contributed to how I’m now able to communicate and encourage others to safely
get in touch with, identify their own emotions, what is going on for them and to
communicate, express themselves with clarity and safety.
Basically, I grew up and into being very assertive with love and compassion.
I did this specifically by taking the time to differentiate what my feelings were in relation to
the other persons feelings depending on what their issue was about me; by their responses
to me, what tone they were talking to me with, or their negative body language, any blaming
of me, and why they felt it necessary to come from that place within themselves. Basically,
what was going on for them?

Putting myself in their shoes, working out how their emotions and behaviour were a learned
way of communicating. Seeing them, sensing them, asking myself and them questions of
themselves. Observing their currency of love; their expression of love based on their
perception of safety from their childhood experiences. Basically, breaking down the bully
syndrome and answering the questions of why “does this person feel the need to do this, to
communicate this way?”

Always the answer came to me as, “this is about the other persons anger issue, their issue
with me or something else which has upset them to the degree of learned behaviour and
expression of this emotion”. And I had learnt very well that underneath anger is grief and
fear.

This allowed me to have comprehension of any perpetrator of spiritual, emotional, mental
and physical abuse.

This allowed me to come to a place of comprehension of what, who and why this evil had
happened to me in the past in relation to every perpetrator in the past and in the present.
This also allowed me empowerment of my own feelings and to allow forgiveness for myself
and for my perpetrators and especially my parents.

This didn’t happen overnight!

As I have already alluded to this has taken years of sweat, extreme spiritual, emotional,
mental and physical pain; rage, anger, frustration, grief, sorrow and bucket loads of personal
tears and many memories of near death experiences.
To the point where I was so frustrated at a particular time with feeling fear and other
people’s responses of not knowing where and how intense fear was for me, I took an
overdose (drugs I had on tap… just in case at some stage I did need them).
In this particular instance when my fear was triggered, I became extremely exasperated with
myself and just wanted some peace and to not be a bother to others as this was a
predominant feeling or dynamic back then. I did not want to die, however, I just wanted
‘time out’ from the hell I was in. Luckily, I didn’t die. However, this stage was cathartic for me
and those around me. It was an opportunity to identify intense fear, frustration, feeling
utterly alone and unloved.

Another time when healing, I was feeling extreme despair and sadness from a memory and I
felt myself wafting into a deathly state, almost willing myself to pass over. In this state, I
thought “oh hang on, I can’t die, as I would be letting God down”.
I’d already remembered God’s presence with me at 2 years old, however by 3-4 years old I
also remembered that I’d had enough and needed to check out. I had a ‘white light’
experience where I travelled upward to what I can only describe as heaven and received
God’s grace, immense love and with the message that I must go back, it wasn’t my time yet
and that I would be okay. I had remembered this in the early stages of healing which helped
me reclaim my spirituality back and helped me enormously in my whole healing journey
after that.

So, in those moments of feeling like I can’t die, I thought, “well if I have to stay here for God
again, how will I, how can I remain here and for what?” I thought, “ok, I won’t decide to be
here for anyone else but for God and me” and then my thoughts were, “ok what in this
world would be good enough to keep me here?”
My answer to self, came to me, “I will be able to stay here for the love of mountains, for the
love of feeling the softness of rose petals upon my skin, for the love of wool to keep me
warm”. This for me this day felt like enough. For nature itself, I allowed myself to stay.
Knowing this for myself saved me that day.

Working through the emotional and mental brain washing throughout my conscious healing
in the present has been the worst. The fear of a part of me losing myself to their control.
Feeling painful body memories has also been the worst. At times it has been physically
debilitating in the present and I have had to take time off work many times (although not so
much now but on occasions still, as the healing continues). Also not initially knowing what
signs and symptoms contributing to any condition or ailment were in the present or due to
past trauma.

I had to take many ‘time outs’ to resolve my emotions in relation to how I was being
responded to in the present.

At times I screamed into pillows, I screamed within my car on country roads, I scribbled onto
large artist pads with a pen until the pen went through to the bottom. I wrote screeds of
feelings and recorded what had happened to me. At times I was catatonic (couldn’t speak). I
had to have time off work (6 years and then at another time, a further 2 years).
The time it has taken to heal has been the worst for me and for my husband. This has been
due to how much happened to me within the cult group, the systematic incidents from a
baby through to 2-3 years old and until I left at around 15-16 years old. I still can’t remember
exactly how old I was when I left, due to just being so done with it all, traumatised,
dissociated and living in fear from then on until now. It was all intense, immense and epic.
However, I have become the best person I would ever hope to be and still
growing.

I’m now appreciated for who I am, for who I always was.
I’m seen, I’m trusted, I’m respected, I’m loved by my husband.
He appreciates our journey together, my survival, his survival, who he was, who I was,
who we have grown to be as individuals and together.
We appreciate our love journey, how things needed to be for us.
How loving ourselves as individuals and our true love as a couple has ultimately sustained
each of us and our relationship despite everything that has happened to me and to him.
With profound humility I’m proud of myself to have listened to my heart. I’m proud of my
survival. I’m proud I’m able to love and be compassionate. I know now who I am and what I
stand for. I know now who I always was as a child.
I’m proud to know God’s light and his work, felt and feel his presence, be of service to
humanity through the laws of nature; the five elements.
I have accomplished depth of knowing myself, depth of knowing humanity, depth of
knowing how to heal and help others heal at their depths.
My rivers, my waters run deep. I feel blessed.
No matter what happens to me I know my spirit, my soul cannot be taken by another (even
though they tried).

My WILL did not allow it back then and my will won’t allow it now.
I know I survived by God’s grace and he is here for me. For that I’m eternally grateful.
He is also there for you. Just ask. Let him in, let the universal light in.
Let your frequency and vibration connect with this.
I am no different to you. I know that anyone would be able to survive what I
did and what other survivors have.
When the chips are down thus far, at satanic ritual abuse level you are
inevitably faced with just YOU, GOD and EVIL.
What do you choose for you and your children?
I know that forgiveness is not about condoning another’s
behaviour, it is about comprehending it.
I hope with all my heart that part of my story and my healing helps you even in
some small way to find some peace within yourself.
If you need more help or would like to book a consultation with Phillippa

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